Peace is hard to come by nowadays.
I think about all the "should"-have, "could"-have, "would"-have. All the things I could have done differently. It's so so so hard not to blame myself. In fact, I have yet not to blame myself for the way things have become.
Was I too eager? Too quick? Too impulsive? Too crazy? Too in-the-moment? Too naive?
What if I was skinnier? If I had sought out help sooner? If I had addressed the red flags instead of pushing them aside? If I had put aside my own priorities for a moment? If I had taken that job offer?
I'm very well aware that all this time I spend scolding myself that I could spend being productive but the more productive I am, the more I remind myself being productive is what got me in this situation in the first place.
I feel like I'm going crazy. Trying to convince myself that this isn't happening... that one day I'll wake up.
It's crazy how often I thought "that would never happen to me" and, yet, here I am.
I often find myself blaming the universe. Why me? Why do I have to be the one to suffer through this? Why can't I fix it? Why is my entire world falling apart? Why do I have to rebuild it?
I'm holding out hope that one day it'll all be okay. That I'll be okay.
