Peace

Peace is hard to come by nowadays. 

I think about all the "should"-have, "could"-have, "would"-have. All the things I could have done differently. It's so so so hard not to blame myself. In fact, I have yet not to blame myself for the way things have become. 

Was I too eager? Too quick? Too impulsive? Too crazy? Too in-the-moment? Too naive?

What if I was skinnier? If I had sought out help sooner? If I had addressed the red flags instead of pushing them aside? If I had put aside my own priorities for a moment? If I had taken that job offer?

I'm very well aware that all this time I spend scolding myself that I could spend being productive but the more productive I am, the more I remind myself being productive is what got me in this situation in the first place. 

I feel like I'm going crazy. Trying to convince myself that this isn't happening... that one day I'll wake up. 

It's crazy how often I thought "that would never happen to me" and, yet, here I am.

I often find myself blaming the universe. Why me? Why do I have to be the one to suffer through this? Why can't I fix it? Why is my entire world falling apart? Why do I have to rebuild it?

I'm holding out hope that one day it'll all be okay. That I'll be okay.

days 7 & 8

so, i ended up using saturday as my rest day. i figure one rest day a week is sufficient.

day 7 was close! i almost didn't run. they gym was packed by the time i finally de-lazified myself enough to go. the park where i normally run was unexpectedly open. huzzah! i thought running for 3 minutes would be tougher than it was. i think i need to push myself more!

day 8- i had to be at work at 1030 am. this meant i had to get up earlier to allow myself enough time to run and get ready. the park i normally go to doesn't open until 11, so i went to the gym at my apartment complex. fortunately, there's only two people in the gym. unfortunately, they're on the only two treadmills in the gym. so, i faced my fears and awkwardly ran around my apartment complex. oh, the things i do.

This week.

Bah! I have been slacking on my blogging! So, in summary...

Day three went well. Day four I started week two. Day five I did in a gym because of weather (side note: the workout feels muuuch easier on a treadmill than around a soccer field. Hmmm...). Day five (today) was okay. It was super windy today (thanks, irene!), so I feel like that made it a little tougher.

I haven't decided about tomorrow. I'll either repeat week two, start week three, or just do whatever.

And I've still been slacking on my reading! Bah!

Over and out.

day two

hooray! two days in a row. yay!

so today was rough. i pushed myself a little harder. my legs feel like jelly. but the best feeling in the world is hopping in the shower right after i get all sweaty and gross. basically, i run so i can get sweaty so i can shower. there's my motivation! i'm really loving this application for my android. i figured out how to change the notifications and what not. super fun stuff. i've looked at the workouts for the next couple weeks, and they make me a little nervous! but i am determined to run a 5k (read: RUN) by the end of november. i have no interest in winning, but just being able to finish one will be a great accomplishment for me. then onto the 10k! i'm inspired.

as far as the reading goes, i haven't read much since yesterday. i need to start reading nightly. we'll start that tonight.

tomorrow will be the first workout day when i also have work. i will do it! i've been waiting until later in the afternoon because i haven't worked the first two days, but i have to do it first thing tomorrow so i have time to get ready for work. motivation! good energy! also, i'm not into the whole "only 3 days a week" stuff. i'm worried if i take off, i won't be able to get back in the routine. so, i'm starting week 2 this week as well. i can do it.

a week and a couple days later...

this past week has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. lots of changes in my life, good and bad. anywho, i've got a lot of good energy now, so i'm all set.

my book arrived in the mail and i have started it and it is sooo good so far!

so, i finally started the couch to 5k program! YAY. i must say, it felt refreshing... working for all that glorious sweat dripping off my face. i love florida weather. i finally put some good use to my vibram five fingers (these, in particular)! i've had them for nearly 2 months and i've worn them twice. don't really have too much to comment on about the first day, just that it felt good knowing i was doing something to improve my well being.

when i finished, i took a loooong bath then made some delicious alfredo/buffalo sauce pasta with veggie meat. omnomnom. it's been a productive day.

wow. it's been over a year.

it's been a year since my last blog post.

whoops.

i'm fairly certain i own about a bajillion blogs. however, the majority of those are from my angsty, drama-filled teenage days, and i prefer to not relive those embarrassing experiences.

i've decided to re-own this blog. i'm dedicating it to something new. however, i want to talk about me first (who doesn't?!).

my name is carrie. i am secretly an 80-year-old lady in a 22-year-old's body (guess it isn't much of a secret anymore). i love to crochet and watch i love lucy. i am content sitting at home playing mahjong and working on jigsaw puzzles. i love the fall. i've given up meat as a part of my diet since november of 2010. that's practically 9 months ago! i enjoy thunderstorms- as long as i am inside. i'm don't consider myself much of a photographer (see my photoblog ), but i enjoy taking pictures and, in general, being outside. i played ultimate frisbee for a while (i'm no pro) and i like frisbee golf (more like frisbee putt-putt).

i wouldn't consider myself too lazy, but, as i said, i am easily amused sitting in my room remaining attached to my computer screen through the vicious calamity known as stumbleupon. i'd link it here, but it's fairly addictive, and if you haven't heard of it, it's for the best. as a favor to myself, i've decided to make some changes in my life. one of those is to read the happiness project by gretchen rubin. i haven't started on it yet- i'm eagerly anticipating its arrival in the mail. the next step is to begin (and finish!) the couch to 5k running plan. i've downloaded the app

for android and i am one step closer! that's where this blog comes in. i intend to use this blog to track my progress, and as a motivator should i ever feel like quitting. the first day starts tomorrow, and i'm stoked!

edit: due to poor planning and overeagerness on my part, I have to reschedule the first day. I move into my new apartment on Saturday. Sunday will be a nice, even day to start.

Valentines Day.

February 14th. Luckily, I have my birthday on this day. It's usually enough to distract me from this horrid hallmark holiday. I'm not sure if the cause of my despise for this holiday emanates from the stew of bitterness inside me towards love in general. I'm not sure where it comes from. Nevertheless, I fail to understand the true purpose of the holiday. Love (if it genuinely, unconditionally exists...) should be expressed toward a partner every day of the year, not emphasized on a single day. I don't know. Those are the thoughts in my head right now.